Friday, December 28, 2012

Love is not just a verb, it's YOU looking in the mirror

It's 1:15 a.m. central time and I am in San Antonio listening to Kendrick Lamar..buzzed off of my favorite (Lime-A-Rita) && i'm thinking about my year in it's entirety. I haven't wrote in so long it feels like i'm about to EXPLODE. Poetic Justice is my theme song, every rhyme lyric describes me right now. With my natural hair && my soft skin. A young west African girl trying to find her way...I have been through SO MUCH this year but it's all been a blessing along with a learning experience that I am grateful for. I forgive those who hurt me && i'm letting go of the past which I've been holding onto for months. It's hard to become who you are suppose to be. I stopped caring what people think, feel or see. I had to learn how to love myself all OVER again && although nobody knows this I was looking for something I knew I would never find. Somebody to love me more than I loved myself...i'm glad I went through this because I truly lost sight of who I was! I kept blaming myself for everything that happened that was out of my control or how others treated me but then I realized I was a survivor not a victim && everything I endured made me so much stronger. My mom along with my hometown (DETROIT) wants me to come out with a book but i'm scared to let strangers inside my mind. It's funny to me how my real friends joke about how crazy I am but their right.I am an out of body experience in the flesh. I'm not your average woman!! Everything that I do is unexpected, spontaneous && out right random. I meet new people everyday but it's rare that I meet those who I never forget. There was this guy who turned my world upside down but I will NEVER forget who he is. I want him to know he was worth loving && although I got hurt, deserted && lied to in the end I know he loved me. Doesn't matter the situation I finally forgive him. Nobody wants a bitter BITCH. I have to free myself && let go..if it's meant for us to cross paths again then it was inevitable because I think of him every single solitary day. My true friends know he changed my life. I've matured && meditated over my old behaviors. He has became apart of who I was meant to be....the good, bad && the ugly. I didn't see exactly how our relationship has shaped me until it was over. I don't want to go to war with anyone from my past. I want to make love/peace. I see things so clearly && recognized how much my ex fought for me despite secrets. I see the good in everyone, that's a gift!  I am not perfect but despite my immature ways that I assumed were invisible I see myself in a better light. Anyone willing to accept you flaws && all or going out of their way for is worth forgiving.  I don't remember many *males* I have tossed around like a pizza but he was someone I just can't seem to shake. No one knows my secret but we share it in silence. I am proud of my strength endurance && ability to not seek any special counseling for how I have felt throughout 2012. This shit hard to admit but my year was AWFUL.  I dealt with everything on my own terms..drinking or smoking doesn't make your problems go AWAY..I cut my hair felt so good to feel free && start over with my naturalness. Other's think i'm stupid, wanna know why I did it but it's not for them to figure out. I feel good inside && out, I make my own sunshine but  won't lie to you I wanted to kill myself && I don't mean that to be taken lightly. I considered suicide then when I had a dream of my mother's tears I realized I have to pull myself together because death will never be an option at least not at my own expense. I'm LOVED by people I don't  even personally have relations with. I believe in many things so Jehovah's spirit took me out of that dangerous zone.  I was drinking heavy this year dark liquors like (Brandy [Paul Masson/E&J] Hennessy,Whiskey, Rum && my favorite Crown Royal] My internship in L.A. was discontinued because I was emotionally unstable. I took a break from college && had to be with my family to regroup. After 8 months of not being myself ..I'm finally back to the Sable I remember. My world was flipped upside down && my heart was broken as much as I pretend it didn't affect me other's knew I changed. My friends noticed my absence despite my presence. I've come along way but i'm healthier, more aware, free in spirit && more mature. I never thought I would be slow to anger but when things hit the fan, I now walk away.  My wants have changed...the things that I though mattered no longer do && I am ready to settle down in my life.  I am braver, more creative && independent. I have finally grown into the grown woman I never knew I was capable of becoming. I am happy! I want to work harder at my dreams without other's input, help or opinions. I can't summarize my mind in just one post but while this music plays (Swimming Pools) && my buzz lingers these are my true feelings. I will always remember you. I have learned to forgive...&& love myself even more. It's okay for your plans to change as long as you keep on going

Sincerely, Picasso / Sweet Sable / Ms. Smith 

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