It's 1:26 a.m. which seems to be my favorite time to write! I have a lot on my mind...the usual seeking, searching thinking Sable. As we ALL know it's almost 2013 && for the first time i'll admit i'm afraid...not that time is ticking but afraid of who I am. Not in the sense that i'm lost but I see things clearer than ever before. I feel free inside....i've decided to no longer hold on to things I just can't change...my expectation from others have greatly deceased. The only person I can control is MYSELF. As I listen to Miguel-Candle in the Sun i'm festering on my past, present && future. I am balancing this battleship called life. We're all that we got. I want to make other's fall in love with my mind...my insides then me. Not everyone just someone....I want to help save lives. I emotionally depended on certain things for longer than I realized. I am working on my spirituality with God. He is who I should put my faith in NOT men. We live in a pretty fucked up system but my greatest fear isn't the unknown world around me...it's about not living up to my potential or having a satisfying life. I don't want my happiness to consist of things...I don't care about things, America has brainwashed us to believe the more we have the happier we'll be. It's all bullshit....(excuse my french)i'm more concerned with having the essentials, being heard, making a difference && establishing myself as an artist. I have too much inside my brain && as crazy as it sounds I want to give every piece of my existence for good reason for the hopes in can be used to inspire someone else who has spiraled down a road of enternal destruction. I want to eat healthier, read more...teach myself a new language, enjoy the free pleasures of the stars in the sky...how green the grass is, the mountains...views of the sea...the smell flowers...I long for PEACE && most of all POSITIVITY. It's extremely hard out here.
I deleted my twitter && i'm considering doing the same for my extra social media websites because it's a waste of energy, the brain && TIME....that I could be using taking yoga, creating masterpieces or taking piano lessons I can't afford yet (lol). Something productive, contructive..anything that will enhance my mind && stimulate growth. I want to smile about absolutely nothing because I know God is proud of the choices i'm making. I want to be a better friend, sister, daughter, artist, pleasant stranger, nuturing future mother...wife etc. I am working on myself. I am changing as a woman so these feelings are exciting, refreshing even. I am monitoring my activites, television shows, choice in music, what I chose to read etc. Is it teaching me something? Why do I enjoy what i'm viewing or reading? Is it healthy, beneficial or motivating me to go in a direction that can take me somewhere? We don't spend enough time questioning ourselves. Who do you want to be? My taste in music has drastically changed. I'm not saying we all will wake up with sudden drilled habits, stronger beliefs or unbreakable morals but are we trying to? Old habits die hard but my life is precious. How am I treating myself? How will I teach other people to treat or love me? How open-minded am I...am I being compassionate or slefish? This is what I ask myself. I stand up for what is right but would never judge a soul. I will pray for brighter days && consoling nights...I will pray for my enemies, foes, family...especially practice praying daily for myself. We need each other, what are we doing on earth? What's your story? What's your dream, what gives you the chills or keeps your heart beating an unheard tune? I love giving things meaning because in the end that's what matters most. The new jordans, a car we can't afford or replaceable expensive objects of our desire does not make us who we are. It doesn't make us better than the next individual either. I rather live like a peasant than fake a life full of emptiness instead of truth, love && real meaning. I don't expect everyone to think like me because my life isn't like theirs but this next level i'm venturing on is for a reason. I am letting go, looking ahead && celebrating my mind. It holds treasure worth more than silver && gold that can't be taken from me. Knowledge can't be taking from you...celebrate yourself. I am even practicing celebacy which isn't easy but such a relief to be saving myself for the love of my life (whomever that may be) I'm no longer selling myself short in any aspect. I don't have the emotional baggage, dangers of infidelity, stress or pregnancy along with unexpected disappointments right now. Don't get it twisted i'm not afraid to love again i'm just not rushing what's meant for me to have && that's someone who will treat me as a QUEEN. I'm caring, understanding, loving && most of all a genuine good person. That is how i'd like to live my life**** We are all human so I know I can no way become Jesus or another saint not even a recycled virgin Mary if I wished. However, I can control my life the best way I can && do good deeds to make me feel like a role model. I'm not just blabbing because in two days it will be a New Year but to read my own words when I feel like giving up. I have failed in my attempts to do things alone or without help but God has never left me cornered. I'm blessed beyond measure. He is who I need, who I shall depend on....because we need each other. "you can have it all && still have nothing." Purify your heart...mind..body && soul / Goodnight cold world xo.